How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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