Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
