If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
foreskin is a definite game changer
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
