I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
