Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
