She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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