If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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