I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
