So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
