what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
