It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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