HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
