can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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