i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
