Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
