you would pick up someone in the library
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
