I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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