I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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