i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
