you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
