I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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