I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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