My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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