I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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