i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
