is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
