I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
