why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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