I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
