I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
