this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
