i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
