he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
