I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
