in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
