Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
