just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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