Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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