I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
