The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
