I can feel you judging me through the phone.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
