the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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