tell your sister to shave her snatch
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
there is glitter all over my balls
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