it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
