before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
