I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
