Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Jerry, you need to find god
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
