If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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