Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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