Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Randomize
