you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
