dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
